Tuesday, January 02, 2007

I have found a way to be rewarded for my profound stupidity

So wrong it hurts- from March 17th 2003:
We are tempted to comment, in these last days before the war, on the U.N., and the French, and the Democrats. But the war itself will clarify who was right and who was wrong about weapons of mass destruction. It will reveal the aspirations of the people of Iraq, and expose the truth about Saddam's regime. It will produce whatever effects it will produce on neighboring countries and on the broader war on terror. We would note now that even the threat of war against Saddam seems to be encouraging stirrings toward political reform in Iran and Saudi Arabia, and a measure of cooperation in the war against al Qaeda from other governments in the region. It turns out it really is better to be respected and feared than to be thought to share, with exquisite sensitivity, other people's pain. History and reality are about to weigh in, and we are inclined simply to let them render their verdicts.
Who was this modern day Oracle of Delphi? None other than Time Magazine's newest 'star' columnist Bill Kristol. Only in this messed up media age, can such stupidity be rewarded.

However, I see an opportunity to make it big- I shall now try to cement my reputation as a major pundit:
In the coming months, the President will re-make the world. Armed with his remarkable foresight, all nations will adopt a half-price nacho policy on Tuesdays. The streets of Rome, Singapore, Cairo will be flooded with oozing yellow gold (and tasty jalepenos). In addition, utilizing his steadfast resolve, the U.N. will adopt the second Bush Doctrine "Whoever Smelt it Dealt it". No longer will there be flatulence related arguments, as the individual with the sharpest sense of smell will easily be tagged as the cheese cutter. Lastly, through divine intervention, the President will finally figure out a way to make Jesus more "John Wayneish" thus making him more desirable to people throughout the world. He will replace the 'sissy' sandals and put some totally bitchin' cowboy boots on ol' J.C. Billions of people will convert to Christianity, bringing an end to conflict everywhere.
I eagerly await your call Time magazine.


Pork Rinds said...

You are a genius!

Broca said...

I know I am. Yet, the jerkwads at Time have not called me...